Sometimes I feel like time stands still and when I snap out of it I almost always want to stay in that warp a little bit longer. My baby catches me staring at her before I catch myself. When she's having her dinner and is very focused on making sure food stays on her spoon or fork, when she's playing with her dollhouse putting her little figurines on their little wooden beds and potties, when she's pretending to put her babydoll to sleep rubbing her back and mimicking me singing "it's okay, mommy's here". She looks up at me through her long eyelashes and gives me a quick, knowing smile before she goes back to her eating, playing, singing.
I realized earlier this year that I was so worried about capturing those moments that I sometimes didn't actually live them. I mean, I did and I do, but it's not the same as just sitting with my baby while we read, color or paint, or while I chase her around the park pretending I'm about to catch her. Similarly I tend to stress so much about what is coming, even though I don't really know what exactly it can be, that it becomes impossible, or at least very difficult to be present in the now. But when I look her and I see things for the first time (again) through her eyes it becomes easier. I want to try to disconnect more and I want to be less worried about everything. I don't want to pass that trait on to her (or any of my less-than-admirable traits). I wonder if all parents hope that. I'm not the only one, right? It's harder than it sounds but I'm working on it and I'm learning from her every day.